Touch Me Yes

Yesterday I had an enormous fight with Christina. We don’t fight that way usually, it reminded me our fights when we were kids when hitting does not mean much but also means the world. We didn’t hit each other this time but we both hit doors and walls and we stopped ourselves from hitting ourselves only because we were in front of each other.

We talked immediately afterwards and this made an absolute difference, so now, after yesterday’s ultimate breakdown, I am able to think on this event without the bitterness and the paranoia guilt brings. I believe that the only reason we were both able to overcome our guilt and shame is that we grew up together, under the same roof, in the same bedroom even, and we both know what’s happenning when we become that version of ourselves. We both know where it comes from and how it escalates, what are the triggers and how we use them to hurt each other. No great imagination is needed to presume that such behaviours can be found in our dad’s patterns and thus in every dynamic we grew up into.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I had in the recent years. But as Christa said: “Can we just acknowledge the fact that we saw what happened and talked about it instead of boiling into our bitter stubbornness and anger for a week?” – so that’s what I am doing. That and giving a promise to myself to start touching and hugging and feeling my sister’s warm skin more; for our bodies to remember who we really are when our minds forget.